Feelings

Break free from those feelings,
Exuded from him.

O shame that he bring,
will make tears brim,
on the eve of your eyes.

Till then you remember him,
That he is the reason you're dying,
Slowly your heart held dim,
Wither, wilting, you're dying.

Then again remember,
The time and memories lavish on him,
Though it all is a mere imagination,
That him is the very attention,
Wasted on him, caring.

Mirrors..

I know that nobody perfect and I know that everyone has their share of problems. I know that everything that we see and heard always has the co-relation with us, either strong or not, the relationship is always there. Our surrounding tell us many things, for those that has a good observation, they will understand lots of things, and for those that just pass things that surround them, there's a chance that they miss chances that is there for them.

I realized this more and more when problems and troubles haunting me everyday and everywhere. I once hate it and thought that what an unlucky person I am to be here in this world. But, as time pass by, I grow up. I grow up from my problems, from my troubles. I have grown so much that some people think I completely changed. I would prefer to think that I just evolved.

Those problems and troubles didn't from all these years, and yet to come, I probably have a different view on it. A view that makes me grow to my endless potential. I want to be someone that I know and loved. want to be a useful person, a person that can understand people feelings and emotions. I think it's because I love to understand humans and their behavior, or more importantly, it's because I love people.

There's many interesting people in this world. People that easily understandable, people that takes time to understand and people that has that one unique characteristics. Humans are capable of many feelings, humans are expendable. This is what makes me interested in studying people. Because we are the one that resides in the highest hierarchy of the pyramid in this world. That what makes it more and more interesting.

But, much is said than done, I am only a mere observer in my surrounding. I don't like to involved myself with my observations, lest that they will get distracted. I only involved in my observation when I found it really interesting and that I needs more data for information gathering. Involvement in such observation is necessary for observations that coated themselves with numerous protective layers that shield their true self.

While its true that not all of the observations are completed, but most of the data gathered had helped me to see things in life in much broader perspective. For example, being in broken family, I used to think negatively on my old man, but then, when I saw him work (I purposely asked him to take me to his workplace), I can say that I'm proud of what he's doing. The way he worked passionately really make me think that I can do better in being a human being.

I'm still searching my own-self , and I do hope that one day I be able to understand everything completely. Since knowledge is what I'm thirst on, I wish to fill myself with it. I'm improving myself and I hope that one day, when I looked back on my past, I can be smiling on my achievement.

Ninro

I'm tired of everything..
Everything that happened around me just so painfully for me to absorb..
I don't even know what to expect in this life..
There's never ending of its cruelty..

Why can't I understand it?
Why can't I fathom it all?
Why things happened?
Why? Why? Why?

Sometimes, lamentations are better than keeping silence..
Sometimes its better to shout out and be heard..
Sometimes, just sometimes, its better to hurt people than having them hurting you..
Don't you agree??

Its so painful for me to see things crumbling..
Everything that surround me tends to part ways for me..
Like I'm a fragile porcelain that beautifully decorated..
But harmful to the touch..
I don't understand..

My greatest fear is looming near..
As I wake up from my fairy tale..
A tale that can only be told and play when I'm sleeping..
Sleeping in foreign dream..

I'm scared of myself..
Everything that I know is fading away..
Leaving me nothing but ,
an empty body without a soul..

Like a living dead, only this undead can watch and perceive things..

MyAnswer

Thing is, when you're in that situation where you really care bout him and loved him that much, no matter what, you will get hurt knowing that you and him are never meant to be together, even if there's tonnes of people telling you that, console you out of it, you still get hurt..

I know, I've been there. And the only thing that you need to ask yourself is: Is he worth all of your sacrifices? Is he going to stay beside you, when everything so mess up and fucking confusing? Is he going to stick with you no matter what? Is he more important than your responsibility in this world? If you said yes, if you said yes that he's worth everything, even though you have to make a huge sacrifices in your life, then, that's your answer.. 

Perhaps, before you jump into that conclusion, you should ask yourself first if it's ok for you to get hurt during the journey? If you already that determine, then, have it your way.. 

For me, that one greatest love is with Jesus Christ, and that's one fact I'll never question. Of all things that I've seen and heard, He is always there, always watching me, and I know it, because, I would not be able to live up until today if He is not around me. And my answer to my heart is: my responsibility as a Christian comes first above everything else and that will never changed because my heart is with Jesus..

"We were sinners, so unworthy, but for us,

He still choose to die for us..

God is good all the times.."

goodBye

Asking for that one final meeting, as a closure for what she felt towards him..

###

As she approach him and smiled gently, he look at her eyes saw tears brimming..

"What's wrong? " he asked.

"I just have to tell you that all this time we've been together, I always love you."

Surprised registered on his face as he open his mouth to reply, but was hold back by her hand over his mouth.

"Shh.. just this one T, listen to me." she said softly.

He just stare at her, acknowledging her request.

"Remember the 1st time we meet? I saw you, and at that instant, I'm drawn to you. I think I started to fall in love with you." she sighed.

"But you say you hate me!" T protested.

Looking up at him, slowly she reach out her hand and touch his neckline, pausing a moment as if savoring the feel of his skin on her hand, as she felt his pulse coursing his vein.

"T, give me a chance to explain please. " she said in almost whispering voice.

"At the moment when we locked stare at each other, I feel like time stop. I have this sudden rush of breathlessness and I had to gasped for air. The way you look at me just make me wanna stare at you for as long as I can." 

"After that, I never show up for the M-class. So, I never saw you after that. And yes, you are forgotten in my memory. But, that was for a while."

"Do you remember when you first talk to me? It was when I just finish my exam and heading to cafeteria. You saw me there and said hi"..

"I remember that. " he said softly.

"The butterflies took their flight after that. All my pent up feeling that I was soo good at containing it, just took over my body. There's new sensation that I feel right after that."

"But you acts like its nothing." he retort back.

"Baka!(Stupid) A girl never show her true emotions in front of the guy that she loved. " A teardrop finally make its way down her cheeks.

"I was so lost in ecstasy when you asked me out not long after that. I feel so happy and alive, its like having my first breath." she cry softly, still trying to control her emotion.

"But you was so cold to me after I kissed you. You don't even care when I confess to you." he said indignantly, all the stress that he feel release.

"How could I admit it? When its so wrong for us to be together. When we have this huge gap in between us."

She finally broke down and cry, hiding her face at his embrace while he try to absorb all of that.

"That's why I asked you to go back to F, that's why I treat you coldly so that I can get rid of you. And get rid of you I did, but I lost half of me after that." her cry turn to rhythmic sobs with her chest rising with every breath she takes.

Pressing her head deeper into his embrace and holding him like her life depends on it, she continue

"I love you T, I really meant it. But I know that we will never be together  and for that, I asked you, to at least grant me one final wish"

.....

Looking up at him and forcing her smile to decorate her face, she said softly..

"I want you to kiss me."

He was stunted by what he heard, but looking at her eyes down to her lips, he felt the longing to taste her sweet lips again, her curvy delicious honey taste lips. 

Slowly, he lifted her chin up closer to him, closing the distance between them, and finally planted his lips on her.

She held him tightly while he push her back to his car, trying to savor all that she is. Their lips crush hungrily at each other, while she open her mouth to let his tongue in. She moans with pleasure when he did, and sucked at it like sucking a lollipop. 

He moans and started to fumble for her clothes, and at that, her hands stop him. She pull away from him and blushing slightly. Understanding her nature, he pull back and hug her tightly. 

"Thanks T." she whispered sweetly.

        "Till we meet again" her heart whispered to her own hearing.

Fantasy

I'm waiting you here, waiting you to discover me that always think about you, always care about you & always from the moment I saw you, had set my heart on you..

Romeo, Romeo, where art thou?
Didst thou love me not?
Didst thou vow me thou everlasting love?
Didst thou will to wait me?

Ahh..
Alas, all ere just my imagination..
A Romeo just a fake hallucination, that my mind trick me into believing his existence..
Alas, poor me, poor me indeed, for still hoping and searching for my Romeo..

Well, that's reality, what can I expect from it?
There's no Romeos out there, even if there are, they already found their Juliets..
A pity plight of a hoping girl..
Its sickening me to my core..

Troublesome

Really?! This is the most troublesome group I ever worked with!!
Ask them what else needed to be done, no reply..
Ask them again what else needed to be add, no reply..
It's like talking to statues, but u still expecting them to answer u..
This is worst than talking to statue actually, at least we know that statue don't reply..
But HUMAN do!!

Shit, it's pissing me off so much that I can't put any nice words to describe them..
Urgghhh..

So damn annoying members..
Really,  why did I sign-up for this class?!!

Induce Anorexic Behaviour

Day 1:

     I plan to not eat the whole day today. I try to find out if anorexic is in genetics or from surrounding. I also wanted to know how many days can I go without eating any meals and just drinks plenty of water.

At,
 7:00am - Wake up and prepare myself to class. I'm very determine to accomplish my goal today (not eating any kind of  food). Thus, after taking my morning  coffee, off to class I go.

8:00am- Waiting for the bus to come.  Board it and reach faculty after 15mins.

8:15- Having OS class. Lecturer arrived later than usual,  just in  time for me to enter her class. Learn many things that we need to know. Talk to J about Yorkshire Terrier, really wanted to have one as my own. H asks me question regarding to our topic,which is unusual for me.

10:15am- Playing with Pou, he's so stubborn! Try few times to feed him, yet he flatly refused. (T.T)

1100- Having OOP class, Mdm. B really is something. She can explain the concept in ways that I can understand, without using any weird examples. At half past 12, she ask us to do programming and submit it before 1300h. What a tough job for me T.T In the end, just submit what I manage to code.

1330h- Waiting for my download to complete. Still fighting the urging to eat.

1400h- Going for ULAB class. Wait for mdm. S to come until 1500h, yet she didn't show up. Finally deciding to go back hostel.

1530h- Reaching hostel, the temptation to eat is so strong that I literally can't think of anything. In the end, decided to take a late afternoon nap. At around 1600h , heard someone knocking on my room but didn't bothered to get up and unlocked the door. Continue to dreamland.

1730h- Wake up and going online for almost 2 hours before J comes back from bookstore. J asks me if I've eaten or not, I said no. J gives me sushi for my dinner. Having nothing to explain to J about my plan, I silently accept it.

1930h- Still resisting to eat the sushi given earlier (just infront of me) but after like 30 minutes pass, couldn't refrain myself anymore. Gladly take the sushi and eat it rather hungrily.

The problem with it is, once we start to eat, we crave for more.

2030h- After finishing the rather delicious sushi, try to calm my body. It certainly wanting more than sushi. Being local to Borneo, it really hard for me to not eat rice even for a day. Thus, my body started to protest on me and after like 1 hours has passed, I hardly able to control my food craving anymore.

2130h- Go to H' room for instant noodles, gobble up 2 packets of instant noodles and a cup of nestle beverage. By then, feeling really guilty at not being able to control my hunger for food. Its a failure for the first day. Hopefully can get through the 2nd day.

I'm someone that have a really big appetite, so , going on a plan like this, not eating a whole day, is really a tough job for me. I wonder how people can handle such situation. Perhaps I do it for fun, that's why I didn't reach my goal. Maybe I should have a clear goal and big determination to do anything. I do have troubles when coming to concentration and focusing. After all, I dwell in my imagination world more often than I should. =.=

### THIS NEVER WORK FOR ME####